No seriously, I’ve just been busy. You know, being interesting. Where was I?
First they took The Gilmore Girls off air, then its spiritual successor, Bunheads. I couldn’t help it; I went into a bit of a decline. I pushed all my furniture into the backyard and set it on fire. Then I grew a beard, smoked a few thousand cigars, and refused to talk to anyone for six months.
A year later I became a Father. Twice. Both times completely by accident, too. (They shouldn’t leave provocative magazines laying around in IVF clinics). Like anyone in my predicament I endeavoured to do the responsible thing (run away to New Zealand where nobody would find me) but they seem to like hanging out with me (especially between three and five each morning for some unholy reason) so I decided to stick it out. I had to give up the cigar smoking though. A greater sacrifice hath no man made, by the way.
So nowadays I have two small children. And I like them a lot, too. It’s still too early to tell which is going to be my favourite but as you can guess, I’m pretty-much rocking this whole parenting thing.
Then I wrote a book.
Oh yeah. Then I wrote a book. It’s a deeply serious book about how I stole the famous skull of Phineas Gage from Harvard University this one time, and I’m looking to publish it as a work of fiction (for legal reasons) next year. But let’s not yap about it now. Let’s look at the latest cards.
People say they want a Christmas surprise, but here’s the thing: DO THEY? DO THEY REALLY? I’m not angry but what is the point of you saying, ‘I want it to be a surprise’ if you’re going to run around shrieking for an hour and then go stay at your Mother’s until Thursday? And no it’s not because I don’t understand Christmas, I have an entire WEBSITE about it so technically I’m an expert so there.
I’m kind of a Spiritual Expert. Answers to big theological questions, like, ‘how much eggnog should ideally be consumed with a vindaloo curry’, or ‘which house is the easiest to steal a Christmas tree from’ are easy for me. And I’m good at Christmas too; I love setting deer traps on the roof, I love putting out cookies and absinthe for Santa. BTW when Jesus comes back I’m sending him this card.
My feelings about clowns are finally entering the mainstream; Stephen King just put out a documentary called ‘IT’, which has been very well received, and my Monday evening ‘Clown Awareness’ circle has grown to more than seven members (if counting my own dissociated personalities is permitted). So I feel good. And you could feel good too, because you know what else? I’M BACK.
Christmas isn’t just a capitalist holiday - there’s a religious side to it as well. The origins of Christmas are very mysterious, especially if you’re not good at research. Did you know that Jesus’ parents might have been Mexicans? Scholars believe that’s why they named their kid Jesus. It all makes sense when you remember they owned a donkey. Anyway, Merry Christmas Mexico (birthplace of Jesus)!
