I’ve spent the past several weeks feeling troubled. And you all know why. Since November … and listen, none of us have any right to feel surprised, do we? If you’ve paid any attention at all, you’re you’re in the grip of a profound malaise. You’re up half the night, fretting. After all, those can’t simply be drones flying over New Jersey, right?
But in case you haven’t heard, there’s a massive UFO flap underway on the East Coast of the United States. Actually, I think it’s called a UAP flap nowadays. This is the third flap in a row. For the past two years, and right before Christmas, flocks of drones have been flying over Langley, VA. They do this with a strange impunity, and the US military seems unable to do anything about it.
Judging from their annual budget, we assume the Military Industrial Complex has the technology to knock these drones out of the sky. But that hasn’t happened. There’s been a lot of consternation in the press. Based on what happened last year, there’ll be a bit of head-scratching and unease, then it will all fade into nothingness.
But this year, the drones went all over the eastern seaboard. Law-enforcement in New Jersey are obviously rattled. Local mayors stand behind podiums looking extremely cross about everything. The Federal Government, meanwhile, is assuring everybody that there’s nothing to see here. Mind you, the last time the American government told us not to worry, the pandemic went parabolic and a lot of people died.
Interestingly, and according to the Wall Street Journal, Biden called the Pentagon about these drones more than four times; he was stone walled every time 1.
Obviously, I have so many questions. Is this an actual alien invasion? And if so, can they speed matters along? I’d like to start celebrating now, during the holiday season.
I don’t care what sort of regime the aliens implement here on Earth, I just want to know if I need to buy extra sparklers. Am I putting up WELCOME TO EARTH signs, or am I doing my normal Christmas tradition of setting bear traps on the roof? (My children don’t understand that one; but they’re vegetarians who have never sampled venison.)
Now, as you all know, I am a highly reasonable individual, and I would therefore like to live on a reasonable planet. My problem, or rather our collective problem, is that world leaders are never reasonable people, because reasonable people have no interest in entering politics.
Well, there was Bernie Sanders, I suppose. Improving the lives of working people has been his highest priority for decades, much to the bewilderment of his critics. They accuse him of being deeply unreasonable. In other words, they also agree with me completely. Politicians are never reasonable. And humanity is not, collectively speaking, reasonable either. Any time a politician manifests any ambition to improve our lives, we all panic and elect the most shockingly corrupt candidate we can find. Then we congratulate ourselves for being realistic or something.
So, I’m wondering – is this an alien invasion? And if not, why not, and is there something we might do to make such a thing occur? Should I paint the words PLEASE INVADE US on my roof? I haven’t done that yet because it’s not a very large roof and there’s not enough room for the words I DON’T MEAN YOU, CHINA!
But the reason I’m taking the UAP situation more seriously is because back in the eighties I saw, through the window of my classroom, a flying metal ball. My honest thought at the time was something like, ‘Wow, adults are stupid. Why would you shoot a cannonball near a school?’
In those days, a UFO was a flying saucer, so I have spent my entire life thinking I’d never seen one. Then last year, I was browsing Reddit and saw a video released by the Pentagon of something called the ‘Mosul Orb’. And Reader, I was shook.
By the way, if you saw a metal orb flying past you today, you might reasonably assume it was some sort of exotic drone, engineered at Raytheon or Lockheed Martin. I can’t explain how impossible it would have been for them to have built a metallic orb in the eighties, however. You’d have had to have seen the size of our televisions. Or our clock radios. What’s a clock radio, you ask? Nevermind. Just know that until recently, things were fairly analog.
That metal orb I saw in the 80s was merely something which, like the popularity of ABBA, I couldn’t explain at the time. Not that I tried. I told no one about it because it was the 80s, as I said before, and I didn’t want to be accused of being queer and beaten up.
(It was bad enough that I liked books. True story. When I was a kid, I asked my Nana what her favorite book was, and she looked at me, appalled. ‘I don’t read books! I reckon they put ideas in yer head!)
When I reflect over my life, it really is no wonder that aliens would be hesitant to land on the White House lawn. But my thinking is, if they’re going to do it, they better to do it soon, or that first conversation with an American president is going to be seriously weird for all of us.
Just think of the children living in 2763, and learning about this era – you know, the Momentus First Contact with Aliens Incident in 2025. Or rather, think of their poor teachers.
Yes, the American president really did say that. Yes, he really did offer sell the North American continent to some visiting aliens, in exchange for being made Emperor of Earth. And yes, the alien delegation was terribly embarrassed. We all were. In fact, all humans have been embarrassed for roughly seven hundred years. It’s why we never visit Alpha Centauri. They snicker at us, in Alpha Centauri….
By the way, Happy Christmas. Or Yule, as I’ve taken to calling it, in this vain and stubborn hope I might somehow drag my Jewish friends into the holiday. They don’t celebrate Christmas and it annoys me so much. My extended family have been atheist for something like five generations now and we’re still celebrating Christmas – or Yule, remember – every single year, because why shouldn’t we?! The Christians stole much of this festival from the pagans anyway, so it’s only fair that everyone else gets to do the same. So have at it, Judaism. Treat this holiday like it’s Gaza.
Oh, come on – you know I’m kidding around and besides, I was making some really off-color remarks about aliens invading a moment ago, and where was the outrage then? Those aliens might totally Michael Bay us – yes, it’s grammatically acceptable to use his name as a verb in the context of an alien invasion – and who’ll be laughing then? Apart from me and you and everybody else who can’t afford to buy a house at the moment? Or anyone who doesn’t want to go to work anymore, or who is fed up with politics, or climate inaction, or doesn’t want to deal with the all these stupid Nazis wandering around. Honestly, if this doesn’t all end in an alien invasion, I’m going to be more than a little disappointed.
But this isn’t the time for that sort of talk. It’s Yule, a time to celebrate being with the people we love. And don’t worry about the alien invasion. Remember the pandemic? I sent you all a really nice recipe for ginger scones? Well, I have other recipes, so don’t worry about it. The important thing is to keep your chin up.
Also, you might want to stockpile toilet paper, because bird flu seems to be becoming an actual thing, but don’t worry about any of this, that’s the main thing. Oh, and if you’re on the North American continent, remember to be careful, because, you know … bears.
With earnest and heartfelt affection,
Kris St.Gabriel
